Wednesday, April 27, 2011

sleeping just to wake up

i woke up this morning feeling a Friday sense of freedom. smelt clean, clear, crisp, my three favorite c words.  birds chirping and dancing in the sky above me. chickens laughing and cackling with one another. ducks learning and canoodling in the water. flowers bloomed with pride and colorful delight. 

i sat and watched for only time knows how long. the sun beaming and kissing my skin, turning a soft chill into a bursting warm hug. hands rested upon my knees as i closed my eyes to look inside. my mind was the still asleep and i smiled with gratitude. my mind resting is a treasured gift. 

i feel woken up from a place inside that has been resting while my mind has been awake. witnessing life all around in all its glory, and seeing my feet on the earth, knowing i am seeing from a higher perspective.  and lets be honest, it is not comfortable at first. 

then i realized it is Wednesday...and yet who cares really? it is another day. another day that i have. that you have. another chapter for the book we are writing. i have no idea what the day has in store for me, i do know i don't have to Tolerate the day, I can fall deeply madly in love with it, I can dance with it.

moments in a day can take our minds to far off places. places of disappointment and anger. happiness and triumph. 

interactions with people can cause us to be inspired and supported, defeated and scared. Many times all in the same conversation. 

conversations with ourselves can lead to lists of victory and success, failure and have-to's. 

the first thought when we awake is an indication of what we brew on during sleep.....the amazing lessons learned when we allow the mind to quiet and allow the brilliance flow in the most magnificent way/ways ever.  falling asleep at night with things unsaid, embraces not felt, and especially falling into slumber with a hint of anger formulates unsettling thoughts in the subconscious, and it becomes alive in the dream world. 

remember dreaming as a child? dreaming was so delicious. it seemed to always be so vibrant and creative. dreams of flying and playing. waking up was so easy, deciding to start the day by running into our parents room and loving them, waking them up to be apart of the day with you, creating lists of projects that involved playing in the sprinklers, digging holes, hiding and seeking, eating with our hands, getting dirty, throwing, so good. 

I'm learning to forgive myself for letting that child grow up. for taking life's wonders for granted. for allowing my fears to control my passion. for letting myself feel disappointment. for being embarrassed for my laughter. for being in a totally different place in my life at age 30 than i thought i would be. for falling asleep mad. for being out of control at times. for not letting my mind have rest. for serving everyone else, and serving myself last. for feeling like a taxi driver and not a friend.  for taking everything personally. for hiding behind, under, and all over my humor. 

today i forgive myself. 

i appreciate the lesson today. The way i woke. the way i will fall asleep and everything in between. a perfect Wednesday. i am grateful for the times i feel "less than" so I can be understanding to the times i feel more than. I am grateful i slept so that i could wake up.

"Forgiveness is the greatest kind of love there is
Best believe in what you can't see
Let faith be your evidence
You gotta shine a light on the path back to your home
Cause after all, forgiveness it is a long damn road"
BD and JM

living life in a good way, this day


Friday, April 22, 2011

Transition, Transformation, Transcendence

April 22 2011.......Good Friday

Today i am feeling the loss in a deep deep way. A loss that I never anticipated, never imagined. A loss of Sam, my 19 year old brother from another mother,  whom passed away in a sudden, unbelievable way on April 5. Being in southern California for the last 3 months gave me the gift of seeing, loving, experiencing life with Sam everyday, and allowed for him and i to cultivate, participate, and share the dreams and desires we had for our lives. he shared with me how he saw my life unfolding. what will be next for my life. how excited he was to watch my brilliance explode. Sam saw me, really saw me. Never questioned my motives, my passions, my desires. he lifted me up by supporting my thoughts and ideas. He was a cheerleader for the paths we are all walking.

Since the passing of Sam in the physical form I have entered into a role that I am surprised I could handle. I became a gate keeper, a body guard for the family. Holding the high watch for the feelings to be felt, memories to be remembered. I stepped right into a role of service to the Murray family, and by serving the family, I was being served. I learned the value of listening to my heart, and trusting what was 'mine' to do. I was gifted the 'job' of being an archway to the outside world.  It was overwhelming at times, joyful, and above all I felt Sam was my guide on this new path.

I nicknamed Sam "Samsonite" years ago. His brother Joe always told me Sam hated nicknames but Samsonite he loved. I never understood why I called him that. Now i get it. he is reliable, dependable, durable, and top shelf quality. Always has been always will be.

The path from this point is foggy to me. I feel I was placed here, at this house, with this family, at this exact time, at the perfect point in all our lives. Sam was known for saying "everything happens for a reason" yep, I couldn't agree more.  And now I continue to trust the process...knowing I am here on purpose. Here on this planet, in physical form, on purpose.

Some things for me to remember and remind myself, as I/we are experiencing this next chapter. The following are some Sam'ism's

1. feel the feelings to heal
2. Every moment is a treasure, a gift, we have no idea our expiration date
3. seeds of possibility were planted within is now my job to water and nurture the growth
4. play in the dirt
5. eat locally and seasonally
6. be remarkable at being yourself
7. cherish everyone you have in your life, have no fear in sharing your love with them, hug your loves
8. if you want to learn something new, do it. google how, you tube it, every resource is available to us....literally at our finger tips
9. laugh out loud...have your joy be contagious
10. every thing we do impacts others. make responsible, conscious, beneficial choices.  Let our grandchildren be grateful for our caring of this planet.

Awe the thoughts are flowing. i am delighted with the time i did have with brother Sam. I have no regrets, or anger. I have memories of laughter, playing, adventures, playing music, cooking with one another, creating new catch phrases. Life is in session. Sam is all around, that I know is truth.

I won't let you down brother. I will be the greatest me i can be, and more. I love you Samsonite, always, in all ways.

deepest gratitude

Sunday, April 3, 2011

life is fully in session

today I am celebrating my 3 months anniversary of living life with palm trees,  a warmer world, eating fresher than ever, and being at the edge of countless and endless possibilities. Life is fully in session.

---i am looking at my life experience with new eyes, new lenses, and i am learning to adjust the goggles when needed. i have shifted the view i have on most everything. I am surprised daily by my commitment to this planet and the people on it. I always loved the world, if you know me, you know this to be true, but now i see newness in my love. I am noticing the changes and the re commitment i have to myself as well. In order to make a ripple in the world i have to start with me. Being mindful of my thoughts and the words i use, but also the things i am physically bringing into my body. I never invested to much thought into what i am placing into my body and the nutrition of what we plant inside ourselves (foodie speaking). in the past i would eat what tasted good to me. And for the most part the goodness i was tasting was completely bogus. It was processed and no longer close to being what i needed to sustain healthy living. I was conditioned to just ingest what seemed to be delicious.  And what I have realized is I never gave food the power it deserved in my life. I was never conscious of what i was eating, and believe it or not, If i was eating. I always have preferred the drink over the sustenance. A coffee instead of an apple. That was the way I lived, it made sense for some bizarre reason. 

Now i am looking at labels...not calories or fat, i am not interested in that, i am interested in where the food was made, the quality, the beautiful word Organic printed so lovely. I am done buying food for the price point, I am worth more than that, and we as a planet are worth than a price. Buying local and fresh may cost me a few more bucks, and it will also benefit the longevity of my life, and that my friends is priceless. 

---the weather, oh the weather. the change in the climate alone will change a person. I have always been a layered girl, one who throws layers upon layers of fabric on my body and topped with a delightful scarf, that is how i saw my fashion, and I think it worked for me. And that's just it, it WORKED for me, past tense. I am now reinventing the joys of fashion. Wearing skirts without leggings, showing my forearms to the sun and leaving the cardigan at home, and when the sun starts to set, the delicious scarves come alive. 

i have never seen a tan on my skin before. I have seen and dealt with the pains of a sunburn, as we all have, but to have a brown glow upon your skin, wow, who knew it would make you feel so different. I always thought my sister Micah was the one with all the freckles, ha. connect the dots sister, I'm rocking the Irish glow.

---palm trees are still confusing me. love me an aspen, and a Doug fir, always have, always will.

---another joy that has been so incredible to me is the relationships that are forming. Having a hand full of people that i know here was the most nerve wracking of the move. I love my friends in Portland. and that was the hardest thing to 'let go' of. Yet the journey south has let me to surrender into relationships. I am so grateful that facebook for example letting me stay connected to those in my life that i am not willing to let go of.  The relationships i have had for years upon years have changed for sure, not being in the same city does that, and it also allows for new peeps to come into your life that you would never have had. 

the greatest surprise is finding a deep love for my cousin and who he is in the world. he is a talented and brilliant man, and cultivating a friendship with him has been a gift. I am always so amazed on how we can let family be just a lingering experience in our lives. never really working on making something more beautiful and loving, limiting the time we put into the people in our lives that by blood are placed in our lives on purpose. creating a fun, vibrant friendship with John has been such a grand lesson. I am beyond stoked that he is here and that he is not only a cousin, he is a my brother from another mother. 

i am pretty judgmental of people when i first meet them, it is a major flaw of mine. I tend to find things that are 'wrong' with them so i don't have to let them into my guarded life, and one day probably have to be vulnerable. WTF. that is so not the game i want to play anymore. I love people and love connection, i love laughing, and experiencing life. for so long this has confused me...i am such a people person, yet i make it so people don't want to be around me, silly silly girl. lesson learned.

the many thoughts that occur in a my mind can be a full time job. sifting through the thoughts i want to keep and the thoughts that need to be deleted forever, makes me know i am on the edge of infinite possibilities. We are all simply amazing beings, yes? formulating the strength to carry on from moment to moment, feeling empowered within yourself to make yourself live the life you want. imagine if you could be free of the fears and simply be the surfer of your own life. i commit to that for my life now, surfing the ocean of life.

i finally am at peace for once in my life. the pains of the past have forgiven and let go of, and i am happy to be present, thinking of who and how i am now, right now. the future is there, just like the past. Change is the only constant, and i am always changing as are you, as are we, as is the world. There is no need to be bitter or cranky about it. Fucking accept it. Once you accept it, the changes become comfortable and delicious, vibrant and beautiful. i am responsible for me, and who i am. i am responsible for my thoughts and feelings, my joys and fears, my laughter and tears. I am fully capable of hiding under a rock, or in a cave becoming a hermit, i just know that doesn't serve me anymore. I am also fully capable of living the life i dreamed of as a kid, or the life i am dreaming of now!!

sending my love to all of you. If you ever question who you are in my life, let me assure you right now that you are vital in my life. who you are in my life makes the world of difference, and you need to know that!!! consider this my care package to you!! (and if you are wanting to send me a care package, i am willing to accept, haha, no really, i am!!!)

peace in the middle east